Frustration

I am frustrated. I am really, really angry at myself for getting involved in things without thinking, and not being able to say no. I am angry at pop music for being, generally, so utterly and ear-destroyingly CRAP. I am angry at the news for having nothing but this recession thing. I am also angry at myself that I can't just see things from other people's perspectives and for frickin hell stop being so self centred for once.

Let me elaborate.

1. Ok. I need money. The AU$ is going down down down and I am going overseas in January and the tickets are not booked yet, let alone anything else. So there's one thing. So I say yes to gigs that will get me some monies, like a wedding. Then I remember, NOW, that I have the commitment to QYO to go to rehearsals, especially as a section leader - and of course the wedding is on at the same time as the rehearsal before the big QYO concert. I can't not go to the rehearsal, so I now have to find someone else to play for the wedding, and even though I am the one organising it all I will not get anything out of it. Please please note - I am not saying this because I think that someone else should organise it, but that I'm so stupid to have used my time which I have already so little of for something that I could have just said no to, or gotten someone from the start. That's just one thing out of the myriad that I have to do.

[[EDIT: I just read this over and I realised this came across that I don't like to do these things - that is completely not true!!! Pretty much everything I get involved in I end up enjoying a TRILLION LOTS, with the exception of TCO <_>;; but yeah. It's just how to fit it all in. Danke!]]

2. I was at work today, and we have the radio on. Usually this doesn't annoy me, because I can just block it out or whatever. But there is this 'that's not my name' song, and it was playing and I had just come from Brendan's masters recital and was thinking about how I have to practise for my audition on Sunday and write my essay for Monday which I have barely started, so I was feeling pretty fractious already. And then that song comes on, and I am ready to scream. Literally. When I was walking home from work, all I could think of was how the kid down the road was so lucky that she could just scream her head off and no one would think that she's mental. I can't remember what book it was in (maybe Streetcar?) but there was this one image of when the character goes down to the train tracks and waits for the train to go over and just screams and screams while nobody can hear just because there is no other way she's going to get any kind of release. I really really wanted to do that just then, but I knew I had to go home and do my essay and practise and besides the nearest train station is an hour's walk away from home and there's obviously going to be people around and whatever.

3. I can't be bothered talking about frickin recession. There's too much talk about that anyway. I don't want it to be the next depression but I don't want to hear about it every waking second.

4. I know I'm a really selfish person. That's the thing I hate myself most for, and even by saying this I'm just wallowing in self pity and anger and whatever. Rationally, I know that this is probably just because I'm stone tired and still have 4 weeks of insanity to survive. But that doesn't make it any better. I think I just need to get a grip and realise that I am not the only person in the world who has problems. It's just so annoying that I am the one making all the problems for me. FRICKIN ME.




Ok that was a really long vent and I'm sorry for anyone who read that because that will be all bleah and depressing and whatever. But hopefully not too many people read this anyways so really it's just a bit of shouting into the wind.