Neglect

Alright so I've lapsed into my usual state of nothing happening in blog for a million years, then random whiney post, then nothing again. Sorry :( Here we go again...

I'm totally numb. I have no idea why, but I can't seem to feel anything about anything. I don't know whether it's just a low point generally or maybe I've thrown up all the walls subconsciously to try to protect myself from a breakdown, or maybe I'm cocooning, which is what Mum says I do when I've got a big performance up ahead. All I have, though, is a competition tomorrow night that I have no chance of winning anyway. It would take a hell of a lot of pain for me to decide I'd rather be numb than feel, so I don't know what's happening and it's worrying me a lot, in a sort of fuzzy, noncomittal way.

I don't know what I'm doing - or what it is I'm doing whatever it is I am doing things for. I've become supremely selfish, spending my whole day practising, and for what?? So that I can become better at viola. I get up, practise, go to rehearsal, laze around on facebook, have half-arsed conversations that I don't want to face anything big in, practise, eat the dinner my parents have prepared and that I'm 'too busy' to help with, then practise, then go to sleep and wonder why I'm feeling crap. I've become a really lame friend as well: I don't even know if I want to help my friends because I genuinely want to make their lives better or even just see them smile, or because I want to do it because it'll make me feel like I'm being a good friend. This post is selfish because come on, how am I helping anyone with this?? Sure I'm reading the bible and writing in my prayer journal, but is it because I want to or because I think I should? I don't know why I'm doing things. I want to show that Jesus is in my life but I'm doing a pretty shoddy job of it. And it's not like this post is going to help anyone but me, because it's really just an outlet for me to yell about how lame I am. I see people everywhere around me rejoicing in the work that they're doing for God, and in how they're spurring each other on and bringing people to Jesus, and making a difference in each other's lives, and FINALLY I can feel something, but I think it's just self-pity because, 'oh, I'm a crap person, boo-hoo'. I think to myself, I want to help!! But then either never get around to it because I'm busy bloody practising, or because I think they've gotten better when in fact it's just me not seeing the signs.

But of course, in these things, there are always things to be thankful for - just 10 minutes ago, God showed me a really practical way to help my friend, and it was something I'd been thinking about for a few weeks but never got around to doing. I need to make more time in my life for people.

Meh, sorry for the lame rant post! I shall actually update this thing more regularly and with not pooey angst from now.

Obsessions...

... are not necessarily entirely creepy. I have an obsession with the idea of selfishness. This is a quite inadequate description, so I'll explain - I habitually examine my actions and analyse them to try to find whether they are selfish or not. This stems from a fight/being-yelled-at session with my mum a few years ago. I can't even remember what it was about now, but it was something about me being selfish (and I do realise that blogging is a pretty self centered action anyway, but this is annoying me no end), and as usual she was right. After she had finished being mad at me, however, I went overboard in the whole self criticism thing and got sort of crazy. In the horribly stereotypical, I-want-to-die-I'm-such-a-disgusting-person way. -152 points for Katie!! Anyway, some interesting turns in life have happened recently and have dragged this subject back on top of my brain, so now I'm having a deeply confusing discussion with myself - how do you define if something's selfish? Is it when you do something solely for yourself? Is it when you always talk about yourself? What if something is making you afraid to talk about someone else - for example, could it be considered gossiping? Might you offend someone by talking about them, or their actions, even if it's in front of them? Maybe you're just afraid of being ignorant. And does blaming yourself for something bad that's happening make you self centered? What if you can't do anything about it by changing yourself, but instead it's someone else, and you're too blinded by your own selfish obsession with selfishness to see it and try to help?
I'm pretty confused.

I don't know how to answer any of these questions but I'm going to try looking outside of my own faults, and see if it's something outside that maybe I can help: actively, or by stepping back.


Frickin' obsessions.